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My Story of Discipleship

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My Story of discipleship begins in 1997 when I came back to the church. For the majority of my Christian life, I have not had a personal discipleship plan. We all know what to do, read our bible and pray every day. I called myself a Disciple of Jesus because it was what I wanted to be, but not how I lived.

I tried everything except actually learning from Christ. It was easier to read books, listened to Christian music, attended every conference I could find, and even go to college to become a pastor, but never actually let Jesus into my life. If I did, he would know exactly who I was and I didn’t want that. So I thought, if I could just learn more about God I would become some sort of saint or at least a better person.

What Happened?

In 2014, I got to the point where I was fed up with the church. I watched people do things that I didn’t agree with and I did things I didn’t agree with. I just wanted to change so my family and I started looking for other church options. We eventually landed in the Orthodox Church.

Surely, a church with roots in the desert fathers had to be the place I could grow and start a new chapter in my story of discipleship. The problem was and is…no matter where I go, there I am. I wanted to read about being a disciple, not actually be a disciple. Which, in the conversations I have had with other people, is what many of us want.

I Started Slowly

After a couple of years of floundering, I began anew. Luckily in the Orthodox Church, we have a series of prayers to usher us into the presence of God called The Trisagion (tri-Sigh-on) Prayers. I started each morning by lighting a candle and just praying this short prayer every day. That is 3 minutes max. I started with the classic My Orthodox Prayer Book (Out of print). I now use the Ancient Faith Prayer Book which is published by Ancient Faith publishers.(Affiliate Links) Just by starting, I was adding to my story of discipleship because it wasn’t long before I was adding prayers to my routine.

As I opened up a little, I began to add prayers from outside the book to my daily routine (Rule of prayer). Which is one of the aspects of Orthodox prayer that makes it easier… for me. Orthodoxy has 2000 years of men and women crying out to God and writing their prayer down. If I want to have a peaceful day, I can pray the prayer of Saint Philaret of Moscow because that is what I want my day to look like. As a protestant I would pray, “God help me to have a good day.” and then not do it. From Metropolitan Philaret I can learn what a good day really looks like.

The Truth

I would love to tell you that I pray all the prayers in the morning section of the Ancient Faith prayer book every day but I don’t. I skip the Psalms regularly and I land here and there sometimes, but I get about 10 minutes in. I do spend time praying for the people in my life and for the needs of people I know of. Not perfect but still moving forward.

The Bible in My Story of Discipleship

Bible Study took a little longer. This is where a lot of my earlier hang-ups lied. Bible study for me was a weapon. I had to be able to defend my version of Christianity and show anyone where their errors were. Today I read a chapter and find what I need to work on that day or week or month. I learn from Christ and the writers of the bible about how I need to live. This month’s focus is 1st John studying Love. Which is one of the commandments Jesus gave us, and the reason I don’t argue Christianity with anyone anymore.

Let’s be honest. For most Christians, they know what their pastor or priest tells them is in the bible. If we truly want to become disciples of Jesus we have to read the bible for ourselves and let the power of Christ change us.

Becoming a Disciple of Jesus

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If I, as a Christian, say that Jesus is my Lord, am I also His disciple? I’ve been journaling and mulling this question over for the last couple of months because my tag is that I am a “Disciple of Jesus”. So am I?

If we call Jesus our Lord and Savior do we act like he really is?

Within a couple of years of becoming a Christian, I said to someone after they had made a crude comment, “The bible says that we shouldn’t joke about sexual things.” (Found in Ephesians 5) and the reply was, “Yeah…the bible says a lot of things.” And that was the end of the conversation. This person had gone to church her whole life and got absolutely nothing out of it. How can we have, ” life more abundantly” (John 10:10) if we don’t let Jesus change us from the inside out?

I don’t think we deliberately make the decision to not follow Christ’s teaching or like in the example above not really care? Either we just want Jesus to be our eternal fire insurance or we want the bonuses without the work or, what I think is the most common, we have never had Christian discipleship modeled for us.

What Does Jesus Actually Say?

The first thing that comes to mind is, “If you love me you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) John reiterates this again in 1st John 3:23-24 So, if I really love Jesus and want to be his disciple than I need to keep his commandments.

So…What are Jesus’ Commandments?

  1. Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these. (Luke 10:27; Matthew 22:36–40; Mark 12:28–31)
  2. Abide (Stay) in me and Love one another as I have loved you. (John 15)
  3. Don’t be angry, don’t lust, be honest, love your enemies (Matthew 5)
  4. Do good deeds secretly, forgive others, don’t act like your fasting when you fast, don’t love money, don’t worry, (Matthew 6)
  5. Don’t judge others, ask God for what you need, treat people like you want to be treated, (Matthew 6)
  6. Go into all the world and TEACH them to obey everything I have commanded you (The basis for discipleship)

These are just a few things that he explicitly says we need to do. “But Steve,” you say, “The Bible says a lot of things.” I’ll admit that being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t seem easy in the beginning but as we do it, we understand that it is a very light burden. At least today we don’t have to leave everyone we know as the first disciples did.

It Becomes a Want not a Must

Nothing happens overnight so we have to be easy on ourselves. When we begin to spend time learning from Jesus we want to be new people today, but if you have spent 10, 15, 20 0r more years becoming someone who doesn’t spend time with Christ, it won’t happen overnight.

When we begin to spend time with Jesus the things we must do, become things we want to do. We want to go to church more. We want to live differently. We want to share our lives with others. We have more love for those who God puts in our life. We want to follow the commandments of Christ and they become tools for our life, not just rules that we must follow.

I’m reading a lot and learning a lot. I went back to some books I picked up ten or more years ago like The Great Omission by Dallas Willard and Invitation to a Journey by M. Robert Mulholland. I’m also starting the podcast I’ve put off for six months so I can talk about what I’m learning. (Affiliate Links)

It takes time, but the more you do it, the more you will be changed!

A Voice Crying Out In The Wilderness

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Today we are surrounded by wilderness. Everywhere we look the wilderness of modern Life is in our face.  Our modern wilderness is convenience, stuff, politics, or job.  We need more faster, and when it comes to stopping we don’t know how.  How can we hear the voice crying out in the wilderness if that voice isn’t yelling at us?

In the Bible, St John the Baptist identifies himself as the one crying out.  He is recognized by Christians as the fulfillment of a prophecy in Isiah 40.  The leaders of the day went out to him to ask who he was and what he was doing.  John baptized miles away from the cities.  Word traveled fast even without the internet and the leaders found out about him and sought him out.

A Quiet Voice

Many of us are missing something, at least I am.  Even with all our conveniences, we’re missing something deep within us.  I don’t believe we need someone to proclaim to us where the voice is coming from.  That voice crying out is within us, not out there.  We hear reminders everywhere.  In the background, we can hear this still small voice if we are willing to listen.  This voice can be heard in many ways.  The voice of a friend, the cry of a child, or seen in the eyes of a stranger.  It may seem distant at first but the more we listen the better we hear it

My Story

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time you probably know I spent 15 years either trying to be a pastor or as a pastor.  My biggest fault was that being the pastor was my goal, not serving Christ.  Instead of spending my time listening to Him, I spent time listening to leadership Cd’s and reading books on how to improve the church experience.  I was as lost as the people I thought I was trying to save.  I burned myself out.

What I had was a secondhand God.  I knew of God, but I didn’t know God and I couldn’t hear that voice crying out to me, from within me.

Hearing The Voice

Let us open our eyes to the light that comes from God, and our ears to the voice from heaven that every day calls out this charge: “If you hear God’s voice today, do not harden your hearts.”

Prologue Rule Nine of The Rule of St Benedict 

Most of us are just busy in our wilderness, but some of us are busy because when we stop, a different voice kicks in.  If we are just busy we can begin to take a couple of minutes each day and pray for guidance.  When we pray, we need to be ready to listen for just a minute at first.  Adding a three-minute pause in the morning, at noon, and at night can really begin to open us up to God’s voice.

If when you stop, the voice of guilt or shame kicks in, I suffered from this, you need to realize something.  Many of us suffer from guilt and shame that blocks our ability to share life with God.  We couldn’t hear a voice crying out within us if it had a bullhorn.  We’ve done some bad stuff or we’ve been told that we’ve done some bad stuff.  So we go through life wishing God would clean us up all the while blocking him out by not opening ourselves up to him.

“You are not a bad person, you’re a good person who has done bad things.”  That was one of the most healing things I had ever heard.  The second was, “I am a child of God and He loves me.” I repeat that at some point in time each day.  

Once you start to tackle the wilderness of guilt and shame, the rest is easy.  You can start the process I outlined above.  Just rest in God and listen to his voice because He wants all of your being, good and bad.

What Is God’s Will For My Life?

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I used to be a Protestant pastor.  But I got burned out, which is what I’ve done with every job I’ve had.  The problem is that I really believed it was God’s will that I was to be a pastor…well kind of.

I will never take credit for what God did through me.  The unseen part of being a pastor was hard for me.  I could get on a stage and let God use me for 20-30 minutes.  Spending time with people who wanted to grow spiritually was amazing.  Setting up home groups was great.  But give me a guy who doesn’t want to grow or doesn’t see the big picture and I’d spend 3 days trying to get over a 30-minute conversation.  To top it all off my family converted to Orthodox Christianity.  That was kind of the death nail.

A Chance Meeting?

A couple of months ago a priest from another area came to our men’s bible study and told us about St Herman’s Seminary in Kodiak Alaska.  At the same time, my wife was on a missions trip with two priests who were telling her about the seminary.  We were hooked!  This has to be God’s will…right?

We started looking at jobs for her.  Talking to our youngest son about moving.   Trying to decide whether to sell our home or rent it out. Then it hit me,  is this God’s will or am I just trying to get another job.  My wife was having some trouble at work too so maybe she wanted a geographical cure.  Besides that, I only kind of wanted to be a pastor before.  If I’m not sold out for this it is a futile endeavor.

So I Began To Dig

What is God’s will for my life?  Who am I?  What am I good at? So, I started with Socrates…he seemed like a good Christian guide. <That’s a joke

An unexamined life is not worth living.

Plato’s Apology

Or,

Know thyself!

Oracle of Delphi

To be quite honest, I have never sat down and thought about what I wanted to do.  I got fired at 19 so I joined the Navy.  Then, I liked the guys at the job fair so I became a copier tech. Finally,  I answered an altar-call so I became a pastor.  Because everyone told me I had to since I went down front for that altar-call.  I couldn’t let everyone down.

So I took an aptitude test.  It said I would be good at teaching, counseling, and clergy.  Two out of three ain’t bad.  Essentially that is what I did from 2005 until 2014 when I quit.  I taught groups and from the stage and I thought that solidified my calling.

The bible also has verses about knowing yourself.

Let us search out and examine our ways,
And turn back to the Lord;

Lamentations 3:40

But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup.

1 Corinthians 11:28

How Do I Examine Myself?

I started by praying.  God, what is your will for my life?  Is there a direction you want me to take?  Please put people in my life to guide me.

The first thing that happened was a friend recommended a book called, Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow by Marsha Sinetar. (Amazon Link) It’s not a Christian book, but it helped me start to see where I fit in.  I also started journaling and spending time listening to God.  I have always done what I was told, now I want to do what I love. 

I talked to my priest.  He gave me some other options and told me that this isn’t an overnight process.  I need to take six months to a year and really spend time listening to God and finding out what I am good at, and love to do.  Right now I’m at about month two and a half and I’m writing it out because it’s helping me figure out what I love.  The last time I spent two years happy with my Job was writing and coaching.  I wasn’t making a lot of money, but I loved what I did.

God’s Will?

The bible tells us a lot about God’s will for us. First of all because Christ died for us we should,

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

I’m pretty sure what Paul is saying about God’s will is that we need to be good human beings.  Doing the next right thing, but we can’t do that without God’s love.

There are twelve verses (Listed at the end of the post) I found about doing God’s will and none were about having more of anything but God.  Matthew 6:33 is the one I started with, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things (talking about food and clothing) will be added to you.  If the first thing I need to do is Seek God’s kingdom, then I have to start with the sacraments of the church, prayer, liturgy, and reading the bible.

Needless to say, that chance meeting with the priest really sent me into a place I hadn’t been before.  This is just my journey, and it is just starting out.  I’ll post more as time goes on.  Right now I’m just being a father to my boys and a husband to my wife and doing the next right thing. That is God’s good and perfect will.

Bible Verses About God’s Will

  • 1 Timothy 2:34
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:12-22
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
  • Luke 9:23
  • James 1:5
  • 1 Peter 2:15
  • 2 Peter 3:9
  • Ephesians 5:15-20
  • Micah 6:8
  • Romans 12:1-2
  • John 6:38-40
  • Matthew 6:33

Choosing to Change Ourselves

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Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  None of us today know what Viktor Frankl and the other Jews in concentration camps went through, but his insight can be applied to our lives.  We all have defects.  Not just things we don’t like about ourselves but things that are deeply ingrained in our habits.  Temper flair-ups, overstating facts (white lies), porn, pushiness, cursing, racism, etc.  I struggled for years with personal defects like having to be right all the time and a bad temper.  One day I met a man who would become my spiritual director and he began to help me see real change in my life.

We’ll call my friend Bob.  Bob told me that in order to change I had to really want to let go of those fears and defects that keep me separated from God.  I thought up until that point I had wanted to, but I had had no success. I was willing to try again.  He said,  “The only way we can really change ourselves is by choosing to let God change us. By opening up and letting God into every part of our lives.”

I’m an ordained minister. I have a degree in religion.  I don’t need some layperson…blah blah blah.  The truth is, I was closer to God than I was when I started, but I wasn’t letting Him change me.  I liked having my stuff to fall back on.  If I need attention, I have a tantrum.  If I want to get my way, I get pushy.  If you cut me off I scream and flip you off, then pray you don’t follow me to where I’m going.

The truth is, I finally wanted real change.

In order to change ourselves, we have to admit we have a real problem.  We have to be willing to say it out loud.  Not quietly thinking we want God to act in our lives but admitting out loud the exact nature of our defects.  Next, we have to open up our lives to let God in.  Do you really want the change or do you really want to say you want the change?  For example:

“DON Luigi Giussani used to quote this example from Bruce Marshall’s novel To Every Man a Penny. The protagonist of the novel, the abbot Father Gaston, needs to hear the confession of a young German soldier whom the French partisans are about to sentence to death. The soldier confesses his love of women and the numerous amorous adventures he has had. The young priest explains that he has to repent to obtain forgiveness and absolution. The soldier answers, “How can I repent? It was something that I enjoyed, and if I had the chance I would do it again, even now. How can I repent?” Father Gaston, who wants to absolve the man who has been marked by destiny and who’s about to die, has a stroke of inspiration and asks, “But are you sorry that you are not sorry?” The young man answers impulsively, “Yes, I am sorry that I am not sorry.” In other words, he apologizes for not repenting. The door was opened just a crack, allowing absolution to come in….”
― Pope Francis, The Name of God Is Mercy: A Conversation with Andrea Tornielli

Sometimes being sorry for not being sorry is our only start.  But, it is a start none-the-less.  In the end, as you have guessed it is God who actually changes us.  Without beginning to pray and open up our lives to Him He will let go our own way.  Change comes from being open.  If you want to change yourself, you have to start letting God in.